Up early this morning. Spent a long night praying, thinking, wondering. This journey is indeed a tough one but along the way, as I am led by the Holy Spirit to be transparent, many, many things are being shared with me about why I am "here" in this place and all the many, many things that God may want me to learn while I am here. One of those things is the impact of unforgiveness on the physical body - not to mention my relationship with the Almighty. I had a dear friend (who I KNOW is NOT the bravest of souls) share with me what she had been learning through a one on one Bible Study about forgivness. This beautiful woman, who has had a MOUNTAIN of stuff to forgive in her life, was led by the Holy Spirit to share with me and I would like to say that was the first I was hearing of THAT message but, alas, it's not. This is a message that has been resounding with me for weeks - possibly months and one I believe I ignore possibly to my very peril. One day at home I heard a woman share how an unforgiving, angry spirit had actually caused her to gain weight. She had witnessed and was sharing how letting go of her anger and unforgiveness had actually caused a change in her weight. Now - I'm not sure I understand THAT completely but I can tell you, honestly, I know when my heart started to break and even though I didn't think I was angry about the situation - maybe I am. I know that there are a number of other hurts - intentional wounds that I have had difficulty letting go of and it seems that when something comes up involving one of those wounds, it's like the wound is opened all over again. The wound that just never gets a chance to heal and I am back in the same place again. Needing to forgive, not understanding "why" I was wounded, maligned or transgressed against.
I realize that not all of the issues on this journey are solely related to an unforgiving spirit but I believe carrying the wounds are making it that much harder to get better. I have been considering more and more if I should just chuck it all and allow those powers that be to declare me "disabled" but I just can't go there. I'm not going to let what God is allowing to happen become the very thing that keeps me from doing what HE would have me do with it.
I read that those who are able to minister to others have themselves gone through a LOT to be able to give that gift and dear ones, I have had the privilege already of being in a place where God has used what I went through - in my life, my marriage, as a parent, daughter or friend to encourage and edify another. I wouldn't have missed that for anything. Although it is hard to remember that when it feels as though there is a big grey blanket over my head, my heart is racing for no apparent reason and all I can think of are the wounds, I KNOW I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. I CAN and will give glory to God and I will keep learning. To forgive. To love. To let go. To heal . . . on the journey, For His Glory. For My Good. A2